Sorry, I am going bring the mood down a little

Now this site has turned into a goofy place for me to think I am funny and post my "stream-of-consciousness" writing (as my uncle calls it). Kind of like the yearly Christmas letter except every couple of days. I have not been very serious on here except maybe when Ryan was born but other than that not too much. I am going to get a little serious here and tell a story of why this time of year always bums me out. So re-read the dorkhead post if you want to laugh, I am going to use this as a mini-journal entry just this once.

This time of year always bums me out because this is the time of year I have ever really experienced death up close. 12 years ago on Labor Day weekend my friend Heather died in a car accident. She was one of these girls who was truly everything to everyone. She was one of those kids that is friends with everyone and had a bright future. She was younger than me and i can't remember how we met. just one of those friendships that crop up in a school of about 1000 kids. We always had fun laughing and goofing around. She was a really special person in my life but really I was too immature to realize it. She always questioned my faith and my beliefs in God and religion. She questioned my choices in life and choices for the future. At the time I was dating my ex-wife and not many, really no one, liked her. I talked to Heather a lot because she was friends with my ex-wife's sister. She never really came out and said anything horrible but she told me I could do better.

Near the end of senior year my ex-wife and I broke up and it appeared that it was over. I had a long crying conversation with Heather and she unloaded on how she cared for me and that she wanted me to happy and that I wasn't before and now I had a chance to be happy. In my 21 year old mind that meant she liked me. Of course I know that not to be the case now but I had a lot of crap going on at the time. I had broken up with my fiance, I had a million things to do to graduate and then only had to decide what I was going to do with my life after graduation. Not much really.

Near graduation my ex and I got back together and I remember having this weird conversation with Heather about it. I knew she was not happy and I felt she was judging me and we had a very weird final week of school.

Over the summer I had a graduation party and invited her. i called her when she never said if she was coming or not. During this conversation somehow it devolved into a shouting match of why I was an idiot for getting married. Basically the conversation ended with me saying she was in love with me, calling her a bitch and hanging up.

During the summer I got into Wayne State PA school and started in late august 96. My ex had to do an extra semester of student-teaching so she stayed in Hillsdale. We planned on seeing each other basically every weekend because Detroit is about 2 hours away from Hillsdale.

On Labor Day weekend I went up and I got there early in the morning, I think on Saturday. My ex told me something horrible had happened the night before and we had to go down to the Pi Phi house because Heather had died in a car accident the night before. When we got to the house everyone was crying and hugging. I was in complete shock and basically didn't do anything. I remember either Robin or Laura saying it is OK to cry or something like that. I only really wanted to leave and I did later that night. I remember going home and just kind of staring at the ceiling.

I did not go to her funeral because I did not want to go because I was ashamed of how I left things with her. I had no closure and this really destroyed me from the inside out. I was just starting PA school with all these new kids who I did not know. I did not talk to anyone and basically went to school, listened, and then went home. I am sure they thought I was some kid of weirdo but I was seriously messed up.

This went on for almost 2 months when one day I was walking through the quad at Wayne State and a person walking toward me caught my eye. As she got closer it really looked like Heather except with jet black hair in what I would call an alternative do, long bangs but only on one side. Anyway, this girl that looked like my dead best friend was walking right at me. We made eye contact and I stopped in my tracks as she walked up to me. She talked to me and our conversation was the following.

H - Hey how you doing?

Me - nothing

H- You doing OK? Is everything going well this semester?

Me - nothing - mouth open at this point.

Then she said the following that I will remember forever...

H - Well, hey, don't worry about us, everything is cool. I forgive you and I am always thinking about you. Everything will be fine, I miss you!

and then walked away. Now as you can see this is messed up. It kinda looked like her and sounded like her. But it couldn't be, right? If it was just someone who thought I was someone else why did she say the thingsshe said, the things I needed to hear so bad. Needless to say, I didn't know what was going on. I stood there for awhile longer it seemed and then I found a place in the basement of the student union and cried for like 10 minutes.

After that day I felt completely different. I was back to my old self and my classmates always referred to me as coming out of my shell.

I am not the most religious person in the world and I am not sure what the heck that experience was. I have told a few people over the years and have heard everything from angels to ghosts to the fact that maybe my mind made it up in kind of a schizophrenic moment. Who the hell knows, but I felt a weight lifted after her visit. Who knows what could have happened had I kept down that road.

Every year at this time for awhile I would have dreams about her probably because I would be thinking about her death and her coming to see me. I had not thought of her in awhile but someone at work brought up friends dying last week and I had not been able to stop thinking about what she would be doing if she were alive today.

Last night I had a dream Heather and I were at a diner eating and BSing about life. She was married with 5 kids, 3 girls and 2 boys and she was talking about she named one Jason. She said she loved how my life had turned out and my kids were cute, etc.

I think of her as some kind of special person who came into my life so I could see what a real friend is supposed to be. It really meant a lot that she was happy for me, as silly as that sounds.

Again sorry for the seriousness but I needed to get this out somehow and this seemed as good a place as any.

Hope everyone out there experiences someone as special as that in their lives.

PS - if any of you ex-chargers out there have any photos of Heather could you please send me some, I have none.

Jason